Ok, I have been promising several people who have voiced their concerns about my life that I would post an update soon, so here it is. It all kicked off on the 19th September. I had worked my first shift on the Uni bus se3rvice (I take the money and fill in the paperwork) the night before, which meant I didn’t get home until 2am, then I had got up at 6:30am to work an open day at the Uni – needless to say I was slightly manic with tiredness! I was on my lunch break, having worked very hard having to fill in for someone when D turned up and said “I know about J”. I had written everything down in a word document a few days earlier at the insistence of my friends and a few deviants who thought it would help to get how I was feeling down on paper. I must have forgotten to close the document and my laptop was only hibernated, so when D started it up (he hardly EVER goes on it, only when he really needs to) he saw a doc called ‘what I want’ on the start bar and opened it. This is what he saw:


What is it you think you are missing?
• Time to be myself – it’s all got lost in endless compromise
• Spark – there just isn’t that blood-pumping desire anymore
• Someone to look after me, my boyfriend thinks he does this and to a certain extent he does, but only if it involves doing a task he doesn’t mind too much – I’d like breakfast in bed more than once every two months!
• Freedom
• The desire to be with him and only him


What do you dream of doing with out him?
• Going out dancing more
• For the first time in four years not having to plan my life around someone else
• Having experiences (not necessarily sexual, but that is part of it) that I couldn’t have with him
• Travelling – whenever we try to plan even the simplest holiday it seems to create hours of work for me going back and forth trying to find out what he actually wants. I want to just disappear and go to Asia for a while
• Finding out who I am! I must have some more interests than just the things he has introduced me to


Any forbidden or secret desires?
• Being with J (the guy from my journal) – saying that, maybe if it wasn’t illicit it wouldn’t be so much fun
• Being more open about my DA account
• Talking openly about people I find attractive without my boyfriend jumping in and saying I’m not allowed to do anything about it (we’re talking celebrities etc here, it’s not like the chance to ‘do’ anything would ever arise)
• A few sexual things my boyfriend is just not into



He said he had suspected something was going on between me and J when he saw us hug in a certain way after we’d been on a night out. So me and D had as much of a chat as was possible in my 30min break, he asked me right out if I wanted to be with him and I said yes, then he asked me what happened with J, I told him we snogged once and he told me he never wanted it to happen again and I was never to mention it again and then he had to go home. I met him there later and we had a really long chat, told each other everything we had been feeling, to be honest it really felt like me just saying how unhappy I was, I tried to encourage him to tell me if there was anything HE wanted, but apart from more intimacy and spark he didn’t really have anything to ask for.

It was about five days before D found out that I had texted J saying it had to stop, we had been on a night out with friends and D was there too and J was just being really inappropriate and far too blatent, like groping my arse when he thought D wasn’t looking, despite that sending the text was heartbreaking, it felt like I was ending much more than a ‘fling’, we both only texted each other a couple of times since then, but I know he was really upset and I was too. He popped in on me at work last week and it was nice to see him but he was still really flirting with me and being way too touchy, D will completely flip if J is like that tomorrow, we are all going out for a mutual friend’s birthday and D has outright told J to back off, he doesn’t believe what happened was J’s fault, cos he is naïve and easily led but he did say if J blatantly comes on to me there will be hell to play!

My talk with D was two weeks ago and he has been on best behaviour, always kind and doing (most) of his chores and we have really tired to re-ignite that spark we had as teenagers and it seems to be working, so long as he keeps me happy by helping out, I am more than happy to spend more intimate time together. We have been talking more too, he is really scared that when the work for his course (Architecture) really kicks in then he won’t have time to spend with me, I am worried to, I could just see us sinking back into the old routine of me doing everything cos he has ‘no time’ – which wouldn’t be fair as I have a part-time job and a part-time MA to handle. All our friends have been very supportive of us both, though sadly I have heard down the grapevine that there are unofficial bets being taken as to how long D will ‘behave’ for – the longest estimate I’ve heard is 4 weeks, I just hope we can both prove everyone wrong.

Thank you so much for all your kind support, both for my art and for me as a person, it is hugely appreciated.

Thank you my lovely watchers

Peaches xxx